stomach in, chest out, breatheeeee .. .

have u ever felt guilty?
so guilty that the only way to ease ur guilt is to just PRETEND ur innocent. bad bad move.

i am now at my utmost guilt. no, i did not steal a tiffany's, nor did i kill a priest.
BUT, i am officially the worst child any parent can ever have. yes, i am guilty towards my mum and my dad. as well as jpa, and consequentially, all the taxpayers back home.

being a scholar can be quite nice. ur given allowance each month to finance your daily expenditures, and live comfyly. your tuition fees are all paid for. and all you have to do is study, study, and excel in your studies. once graduated, you pay them back by serving your sponsor for the number of years stated in the (kinda)mutually agreed contract. and live happily ever after.

although exceptionally for me, and some other scholars i know, life isnt as easy as it seems. because : firstly, im a jpa scholar. jpa sponsors 1800(quoting Datuk Ab Khalil, Timbalan Ketua Pengarah JPA, Monday, March 5th 2007) students each year, thus isnt as generous as any other sponsors can be. secondly, i am studying in the heart of london[:)], where the cost of living can be suicidal. and finally, i am reading BSc in Actuarial Science, in LSE, which can again, be suicidal, squared!

jpa banks in GBP497.20 each month to cover rent, bills, bills, transport, bills, food, and everything else that needs $$$. fyi, monthly, my rent is GBP412; electricity and gas comes up to GBP40; water,internet, phone, and handphone bills, sum up to around GBP52; transportation is GBP45; groceries is roughly GBP15 a week, ie. GBP60 a month. so that leaves me with (minus)GBP111.80 for toilettries, stationeries, and NIL for savings&entertainment. therefore yes, financially pretty suicidal. it just cant get any worse.

nonetheless, i am blessed with caring loving sweet two-in-a-million parents who are willing to compensate the price i have to pay as a jpa scholar in london. unfortunately, this blessing, i took for granted :( ive been spending like a royalty, only god knows how much - albeit being short of funds, AND in debt. i shop when i want to. and drop soon after.

surely everyone agrees, that shopping is a pure pleasure to us human. it really takes me off all the stressful unsolved equations in my homework, and all those weird statistical formulae. although it does bring up a lot more life threatening problems later on. feel me feel me, just getting something off that shelf, going home with it, imagining what good it will bring in the future, makes me feel on toppest of the world. from a one pound facial cotton to a fifty pound handbag, they ALL bring as much joy to me. how i love spending. sigh~

after all that, then, my guilt seeps in. realising how much (parents')money ive spent, how many homework not submitted, and how many lectures ive missed. oh what a terrible daughter, student, scholar. so friggin pathetic.

i realise the one thing mum and dad want the most out of their children, besides to love and care for them, is to excel in life. as for me, for now, is to just score in my exams, and graduate with an excellent degree. thus that is what i shall do. i have vowed to give my utmost best to excel in my exams, and to not shop, unless if i deserve to :) heh.

all together now .. stomach in, chest out, breathe... and welcome, a new beginning.

"go study ems!!"

emzyouttie.